Gain A Life, Lose A Life

Lucky. I should consider myself lucky. I have a beautiful baby boy. I should be at the high point in my life.

Except, I’m not.

Instead, I’m thinking of my mother, how she will never get to enjoy the time with her grandson. How she will never hear him call her “grandma”, or take him for the weekend to build forts out of couch cushions, or catch fireflies and toads in canning jars after the sun has gone down. She won’t make her amazing alphabet pancakes that I remember growing up.

And it’s not just him she’s missing out on. She’s missing out on her oldest daughter’s greatest journey, that of motherhood. She won’t be able to impart all the wisdom, she won’t be there for me to say “wow mom, this truly is a thankless job and I’m sorry I wasn’t more appreciative of you”. She will never get that final vindication after years of eye rolling.

With that off my chest, I need to be grateful. I was able to give her that amazing gift while she was still here, of watching my pregnant belly grow (and grow and grow) and getting to meet her perfect grandson.